| Man this sucks |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|11:37 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I'm beginning to realize now, how much more of past I wish i could have changed. All the stressers in my life that I could have avoided. All the time I've could have made in order to keep myself and others happy. My hardwork gets appreciated and nothing more, for I am not happy right now. I've sacrificed in order to help others, and to help a cause for which is no longer a cause that will stay. My fight is lost. All that I've tried to help accomplish, all that I've hurt myself to save, sacrificing my own well being and happiness, is going down in flames. And with it, my heart sinks low. I thought to escape this moment. I would have hoped that I at the very least, helped faciliate a stable environment for those I cared about, for the one that wanted it for the most to have, is going to be gone. And with that I lose more then I ever wanted, I didn't want to do what I did in the past year, but I did it for them, for her, and now...its gonna be no more. I've lost... |
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| bah |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|05:52 pm] |
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dropped to third place in DCA, judges gave us no credit. Whatever, fuckem, we're still improving, we got an 84.8 last weekend, and we're out for blood. We put in new closer for our opener on sunday, and we're still incorporating our GE feel to the show. So hopefully that'll shoot us up. We're not down and out yet. Looking foward to thursday, PAYDAY!!!! Woot, start saving up for college season.. see what happens, drop me a line, i'm lonely. |
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| Full time life keeps you busy :-p |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|06:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
A lil update from last Drum Corp Weekend. My Corp got 2nd place with a score of 83.225 (i forget the actual decimal points). We're still 2 points behind the Bucs, which is fine, because we took Brass captions by half a point. And we'll continue to pull ahead of them in that department. We know our show is worthy of the first place spot. There are just....hiccups that need to be rectified. We finally started putting our horn moves in, which defintely will help us close the gap further. This weekend should be interesting as the Boys with no hats, Empire Statesmen, come out to play as well. We'll see what happens.
Last week I found a kitty that seemed to be abandoned and strayed. Took a picture of it and wanted to send out an e-mail if anyone wanted to take care of it, and fed it a bit. But on tuesday, i found out the kitty died due to meeting with a car tire. Road kill is not the best way to go I say. Anyways R.I.P. Kitty, you'll be missed by the kids I know that much.
On a healthier note, I can do 60 pushups in one sitting. Trying to max that out. Between dealing with kids and trying to get some reminents of rest, i've been doing terrible with my workout schedule. I have to get on top of that again or else my summer is a bust. Gonna buy some weights either today or monday to start working on my arms. |
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| Finally |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|09:31 pm] |
I GOT MY DIGITAL CAMERA FINALLY WOOT! It's about fucking time. I usually don't develop the film i have, which is bad cause i have like 6 rolls of film/disposable cameras that i need to develop that has my memories from the past 4 years 0-o I suck at that lol. But now that i have this new toy i'm going to be snapping pictures left and right of whatever i can. Finally i'll have memories at my fingertips and be able to post them and share them with people :) and less glossy paper to worry about lol.
I feel a little waterlogged from all the swimming days that i do with the summer camp gig i have. It's making my bones feel a little weaker so i haven't been able to do exercises regurlarly this week and i've skipped martial arts AGAIN...my instructor is going to kill me i know it lol. |
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| Long ass week! |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|08:04 pm] |
Even though i didn't work monday and tuesday, the week was still long. Thankfully work goes pretty smoothly and the time goes fast. I like the job, it falls under a routine and at times it eats me cause i hate routine, but I deal with it. Drum Corp weekend was long as hell though. Saturday was a pretty smooth rehearsal for the most part. We jumped up 5 points to a comfortable 81 right now but lost to the Bucs and got 2nd place (they got 83 points that day). We reworked our closer to fix a glaring issue which probably cost us good points. And we had a kick ass run through. All in all, a pretty standard weekend. Can't wait till Clifton though, as a Corp, we definitely have a lot of muscle to flex, we just need to get it done. I've heard that some people don't think we can beat the bucs that we won't be them or catch up to them but you know what, that's just a bunch of fucking belly aching and crying. There's a saying I found this week which is pretty cool.
"Sweat and tears both taste salty, but you get more from sweat then you do with tears." Don't cry about things and just push yourself and you'll get alot done.
Missing all my Friends at Rutgers though still. Though I've met a couple of new people in Corp, and of course the not so new people :-p. Alot of them are pretty cool, definitely like them, theys be good people. |
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| Bushwackers: 1 Everyone else SUCKS! |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|10:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
Hah, I told people we were going to win first. We are NOT gonna be denied. The only ones that can beat us, is ourselves. The Bushwackers won this weekends competition in Dover, NJ with a score of 76.350. Not bad for a first show but could have been better. The Brassline was exhausted and lost the energy needed to close out the night with the closer. But it happens, its a stamina issue. We still won High Brass Caption, Best Colorguard, and Best Drum Major (don't know how they pick that one though). Beat the Cabalerros but 1 point and we would have had more had we been able to keep our energies up. The Drumline got ripped apart in the scoreboard so that hurt us a bit, but had those two things been better, we could have easily broke 80 on our first show.
We know what to fix, got a new ballad on the field, and next week we're going to fine tune some shit and go out there again and just lay one out. We cock slapped some of the Corps tonight and we don't mind dropping our pants and doing it again next week. Here's to a bright season. |
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| wondering |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|10:18 pm] |
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If the world could fuck itself, what position would it take it in? |
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| Peeved |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|10:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  upset | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Fuck Yourself" by -Reel Big Fish- | ] |
Dunno what to really say on this day. Lots on my mind and lack of words to say it all. People trying to define who I am. People trying to tell me what I am. Dunno what to say. Certain things upset me, and it's human, but I can't tell many people of it, cause in the spirit of helping, they upset me further. I take things as light-hearted as I can and try to take things with a grain of salt. But too many memories to be forgotten yet.
Long day....too long i suppose, tomorrow should be better I hope. |
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| When it rain, it mother fucking pours! |
[Jun. 24th, 2006|09:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Wet | ] |
HOLY HELL THIS DAY WAS WET!
Drum Corp Practice again this saturday, the day was cut short to a 9-8 though because of the torrential downpour that seemed to not let up. In the beginning it wasn't so bad, cause it was light. We did a nice rework of our ballad for the opening and closing segment, adding a little flavor (cheese) to our anniversary show. It's a nice addition, then we worked on our opener for a bit, then when we went to run through the ballad, it decided to rain HARD on us before lunch. Needless to say I had to change into dry clothes (always be prepared). Then at lunch, we changed the schedule a bit, and worked on our closer for a little while, then we finally broke into ensemble arc under a parking deck. Then practiced our music till dinner. After dinner, we tried to go for more music practice but we got kicked out of the parking deck. So we did ensemble in the rain till the end of the day. It just poured and poured and poured, like if God's bathtub was constantly overflowing or something. We played a run of the show, balls to the wall, then ended the day with bruised chops, and we body parts.
And in keeping with my fitness program, I got a couple of people to start doing pushups when were weren't being addressed, though the amount of pushups kind of set me back in trying to progress (only 45 for the day), i think the fact that I had to go through the tough weather with my arms up for most of the time made up for it.
I get to go back for another practice tomorrow lol *prays for less water* |
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| A little bit tired |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Man, i've been lazy these past two days. Monday, I went to my high school to practice for the graduation ceremony, and practice a little bit of my music from Drum Corp there. Also, my friend Charly was there and he lent me the mouthpiece i sold him last year, which let me wail away on some high notes i haven't touched in a while. That day was fun, then went to visit a friend who works at a Meals on wheels truck for her mom. She's a sweet girl, graduated from Rutgers this year, we went to high school together. It's hard to find a job out of college though, and she's looking and I'm rooting for her on the sidelines.
I haven't done my exercises for the past two days. I dunno what it is. I'm a bit tired I guess. This past weekend I think hit my body harder then I let on. Gained two pounds somehow between the blood, sweat, and tears of this past weekend. I'm going to assume it's muscle mass lol but being lazy for these two days aren't helping matters if it isn't. I'll do some pushups and crunches in the morning to get me started and go for a short jog. At least that'll get my blood pumping for the days to come. I practice again for the graduation tomorrow at 11:30AM, and then I go to orientation for work on Thursday, then CPR and First Aid Training on Friday, then Drum Corp weekend, then on Monday, I start my Job for the summer. I'm excited to work with kids, but my current energy puts me in a lethargic state. I need to snap out of it. Can't be all boring like for the kids can I?
My friend lost a loved one just recently, and my heart goes out to her. We're not particularly close, but I know what it's like to lose a loved one. My thoughts are with you right now. And no one is truly gone as long as you remember them.
This first month came to a close faster then I thought. It's almost like last year, with me starting a job near the end of the month and Drum Corp to light a fire under my ass on the weekend. GRE practice exams are retarded, but I need to practice if i want to get into Grad school. *sigh* so much shit to do. I wish my friends were around. I miss the fun times, all this responsibility crap. Being an adult sucks lol, nearing the end of my college endeavors as an undergrad is less then fulfilling in my opinion. While it will be good to be done with the work, something that i've known for quite a while is coming to fruitiion. It's actually a saying that I used to say when I first realized it. You're born, you have fun, you go to school, you do work, you graduate, you go to work, you retire, then you die. Though I'm far from death (I hope) I realize now that after college, it's real world time. No more real breaks for me. This summer I wanted to do something with it, and find myself having to work lol. Little by little my days are spent more in doing something for others then for me. Guess it shouldn't phase me too much. It's what I do, but I'd like some time to enjoy my life a little lol.
I made a promise to myself, no matter what, even if I have to go into debt. I'm going to travel after graduation. Don't care where, don't care with whom, don't care HOW. I just need to get out there, and get one good look at the world without any responsibilities weighing me down. At least my final year of school, I have no major responsibilites to handle.
amazing how I drift off into other things lol, anyways, g'nite all. |
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| Ouch |
[Jun. 18th, 2006|06:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
Now picture this. Beautiful sunny sky. Not a cloud up there. Warm, 95 degree weather. Sounds like a day at the beach? Now envision this. All that i said above. Hot concrete and gravel parking lot. Metal horn in hand. Marching around from 9-5. How's that for a day in the sun :-p
MAN IT WAS FUCKING SCORCHING!!!!!!!!!!
We got more water breaks thankfully to counter the effects of the sun, but it just kepted beating on us. It was like a pompous bastard in the sky mocking us all day. I was drenchned from head to toe in the first hour i was there and chugged my gatorade on the first break. Had to go to the store during lunch to get refills I was downing stuff so fast. We worked on our ballad tune for most of the morning, got into sectionals after lunch to clean up a couple of issues in our songs. Then went out and did our death march (I'm kidding. it was really fun, but i call it that cause it hurt so much to do :-p ).
We worked on our opener in chunks, then did the whole thing. Then a water break...at this point i'm running low, and my frozen water is well...gone. Then we did set to set with the ballad, then ran it, then water break. Same thing with the closer (or marathon for those keeping up with my journal). THEN IT WAS RUN THROUGH TIME!!!!
At that point I had two shin splints, my calf was redirecting itself to a new location in my leg, and my hamstring is telling me i'm a fucking idiot for not sitting down yet. Blister on my pinky toe and one forming on my big toe on the same foot. So marching was...a different feeling for that run through. Throughout the whole thing I ached, and pained and heaved and felt like I was going to collapse. Especially once we got to the start of the closer. But I stayed in, finished the song, and when it was time to call it in, I immediately dropped to the ground and sat on my ass exhasted. Only to realize in the next 5 seconds that the concrete and gravel is SUPER FUCKING HOT! So i stood up lol. On the verge of throwing up after that. Helped put down the podium, drenched myself with what was left of the ice that was in my cooler, dried myself off and came home. I need a long cold shower, and i'm going to go do it now.
The Bushwackers don't stop for nothing. We're not gonna be denied this year. This kind of work is what puts us above the competition and sets us apart from the rest of the scrub corps. We will NOT quit. We WILL NOT give up. We will ACHEIVE and we WILL NOT FAIL!!!
Christian Vivas
Bushwackers 2nd Soprano 2004
Bushwackers 2nd Trumpet 2005
Bushwackers 3rd Trumpet 2006
We're fucking gonna kick some ass and ruin some summers. They better be ready to go home and cry, cause after last year's shit, we're out for blood! |
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| Go figure |
[Jun. 18th, 2006|06:47 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "I Won't be Ignored" -Linkin Park- | ] |
I dunno how i'm even up this early, or typing for that matter. Yesterday was as rough a day as I can imagine. In Bushwackers, we've worked on the closer song all day. We pretty much finished up new changes that was put in yesterday. The day wasn't as bad in terms of the schedule, there was a lot more break time then a normal day. But the times we did work, I really felt like I put in more work then a normal day, so I guess that balances out a bit. I got the summer camp job, so I will be working at a community center over the summer from 9-5 starting next friday. I will be given first-aid and CPR training and be certified for a year, which is pretty cool cause i've never had that kind of training before, which is good to have. I have to go in tuesday to Rutgers Hurtado Health Center to have my physical done for the job and have that paperwork filled out before I start.
This monday, I'm probably gonna hurt myself a little (finish reading before assuming). I have a whole ab workout routine I want to try. But it really involves pushing myself and not giving up. Each exercise circuit is about 15 minutes long and there is 5 circuits. Which means, an hour and 15 minutes of ab workout. So if that doesn't kill me, it'll hurt like hell come the next day.
Anyways, back to what the title of this thing said. It's amazing how the littlest things, the most unlikely of things, can set you straight about what you're life is about. Who you are if you will. It's something I've had for a while, but never really looked at it till now. I know my journals for this month has been negative for the most part due to people upsetting me, from Rutgers to here at home. And all my actions have been driven by a sense of needing to forget about it. To get myself focused a little. But because I never really dealt with it before, I grew a sense of anger, and frustration. But that's not really me per say. People get angry, but I've never such anger built in me before, and here I am being a massakist (err definitely spell check) trying to figure out who I am, when in reality, I haven't changed one fucking bit. What reminded me about who I am was something my counselor in Rutgers gave me. It was part of a series of a Personality exam. In short (cause the explanation is longer to type then anything else), a personality over based on how I answered questions.
Here's where i'll probably lose you a bit but i'll explain in a little. I AM AN ISFP. I have introverted Feeling with Extraverted Sensing. Very few will know what that means. but anyways, i'm going to type in quotes from this document that kind of reassured me of who I am, and the type of person that I am. This, funny enough, was the thing that set me straight finally.
"ISFp's live in the present with a quiet sense joyfulness; they want time to experience each moment. They prize the freedom to follow their own course, have their own space, and set their own time frame, and they give the same freedom and tolerance to others. They are faithful in fulfilling obligations to people and things that are important to them."
"ISFP's are attuned to the feelings and needs of others and flexible in responding to them. They often have an affinity for nature and for beauty in all living things--people, plants, and animals."
"ISFP's are adaptable and flexible unless something that matters strongly to them is endangered; then they stop adapting. They care deeply about people but may show it through doing things for others more than through words."
Just to cite a few things from this document. It's made me reflect on who I am. The moment I got this paper at first, I cried (yes i'm willing to admit that so stfu) and realized it was like reading into a book, but I don't think I fully appreciated what this document said till now. In all honest, I think I'm done with all the negativity that's been going on around me. Though, there will probably be people who want to upset me and piss me off, but I'll roll with the punches. But at the very least, I think I've finally found myself again. Then again, I haven't really gone anywhere, I just wasn't bothering to look. |
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| Realization |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|08:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  In thought | ] |
It's amazing. What one person can tell you, and how differently they act. To hear one thing and to have another thing done, it's what pains me so. It's what fuels my anger. An anger I hate to have. But it lingers. I can't get rid of it. Not yet. It seems to have been the catalyst to my change in habit. The fuel that burns inside me, the fire under my ass if you will. Communication is key in anything you do. Whether it be a phone call, an e-mail, hell a fucking flare or smoke fucking signal. Anything at all, to at least let someone know you still care, or at the very least, show that you are in touch. I'm trying my damndest to keep those who I have left. It's not many I'll tell you that.
But what hurts is when those I have left don't at least say hi. Acknowledge your existance. Even ask how you are. I dunno what bugs me fucking more. People who don't talk to you, or people who've once talked to you then ignore you. To share a past and pretend it's no longer valid, its a painful thing.
I guess I'm destined to go through this. Who knows. I'm healthier physically for it. And my head is slowly but surely clearing up. My head likes to play with me every now and then, but I realize now I'm more full of anger and now I truly realize where this anger stems from. Yet I cannot quell it. Things don't make sense, and that hurts when they dont. When things like this could have been avoided, but was allowed to occur so easily. When mistakes could be avoided, but made repeatedly. I guess it's all a part of growing up but to get it from people you care about strikes the most sacred of places of a person's being.
My anger...is my fuel...who knows where it takes me now. I'm lost deep in my thoughts, my heart rages, my anger my fuel. I'm quite a different man, but still the same. Who knows how I'll turn out this summer. But I guess if no one talks to me, these journals are going to be the only indication of what I'm going through. Even I can't stand to read my own writing. Makes me wonder who I'm turning into.
Edit: No, I'm not talking about who you might be thinking. |
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| Getting in...a shape |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|08:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Evolution by -Symphony X- | ] |
This is gonna be a little different from the dreariness that i've had. Don't get me wrong, it lingers, but I've accomplished something at least. This past weekend, my Corp, The Harrison Bushwackers, finished learning our show. Yep, that's right, as a Corp, they've never finished learning the show this early in the game. On top of that, we performed our first song, drill and all, on the field in Bayonne during an exhibition. I saw Roseanne there too, she's part of the Bridgemen Corp who were hosting it at Bayonne. Good to see her again.
After a grueling weekend (I should have thighs of steel from doing the closer cause that shit's fast. Like 172 tempo fast, try moving your legs like that and tell me it's cake lol), I came into today with a goal in mind. I had a triple belt Tae Kwon Do exam makeup to do cause I missed the picnic test on saturday for the bayonne Exhibition (In english, i was taking a martial arts test to shoot up 3 ranks). Passed it with flying kicks....err colors. So I'm officially a First Degree Blue belt (or for those counting at home, 6th rank belt. No belt = zero, from there i went to yellow, orange, green, blue, and now Blue 1).
Which means I get to learn new techniques, forms, and new ways of kicking some major ass and the assholes that come with it. My arms are taking a more definitive shape finally, and with 7 lbs lost, I'm on my way to a better lifestyle physically. Just gotta get rid of these nasty tan lines, they're terrible. Back to pushups. |
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| It happened again... |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|07:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  scared | ] |
The nightmares are back. I dunno why. I can't even remember them. All I remember is waking up in a frantic sweat and wondering why this is happening again. Very little if any real sleep obtained. I couldn't take it. It's early morning and I find myself in tears as I awake, my pillow drenched. A thought stuck in my head. I have these thoughts in my head. A poem if you will, all clouded in my thoughts. I must write them down. It might put my mind at ease, but my mind has not been at ease for a long time now. Never has my head felt so fragile. Never had I felt so helpless to even control my own thoughts.
As I make a realization to what lies ahead,
I stare at the future with no security.
I try to think of what to do in my head,
to do what's best for me.
I stared at the door to darkness of uncertainty,
I once had a hand to hold, my other pair.
Through the door I was violently shoved you see,
as I turn to find no one there...
Alone...in the dark...the pair broken, and myself left to my own accord.
I knew not what lied ahead.
I could not see anything anymore.
The darkness surrounds me as if I were dead.
Wanting someone there, but there was no more door.
As I step foward I just seem to stumble,
falling for what seems like forever.
In my heart I felt a rumble,
of a lossed endeavor.
It is the feeling of pain,
of a hurt and anger towards the world.
Forever shall my heart have a stain,
and my frustration and rage waiting to be unfurled.
This darkness is scary, its none I've ever known.
In this darkness, forever I feel alone.
It is a feeling of dread, of emptiness.
It is a feeling of eternal hopelessness.
I hear the voices of those I care.
But as I look around there is no one there.
My friends are all but disappeared.
It is a feeling that I've worse feared.
My rays of light are disappearing one by one.
What do I do when they're all done.
As fast as I chase them, these lights in the dark,
they disappear on me, not a remanants, not a mark.
If only I hadn't been shoved through that door.
If only I could have been loved more.
If only I could have had one more chance.
If only I could have had that last dance.
I've had my thoughts of ending this pain.
but...
that is not the way.
I know I cannot do what could be done, for my mind would persist and torture me.
It would drive me crazy for eternity.
It would hurt those I care about.
even in my darkess hour I can't think of anyone but others.
They are my strength, they are my life. I am nothing without them.
I strive to hold on to what I have left. But it seems to be not enough.
I can't go on like this...too many people I miss.
Too much sorrow I feel, I dunno how to deal.
I've punished my body, and pushing so hard.
To tire my mind, its my only card,
for which I can play, my deck is gone.
it is a deck...that seems to have never won.
My head is no longer what it was,
its enough to give me pause.
Who AM I?
Where am I going?
What's...gonna become of me?
My thoughts are fleeting and I can no longer hold on to them all.
I'm forever waiting...forever waiting...for that call,
that call that will never come...
I dunno what to do anymore. |
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| That lonely feeling |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|10:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
Still trying to keep myself somewhat busy. Got to see Ivan, Molly, and Kevin today, and surprise guests Alison Shaeffer (spell check?) and Mr. Flash himself, Greg Coughlin. Met them at the student center, it was a surprise visit for Kevin so we could be together and hang out. It was a good day, we ate at the student center, then we went to Menlo wall to do some window shopping (me and Kevin actually bought stuff...we're such dorks). It was all and all a good day. It was great to see them again. Made me realize how much i miss people. Some more then others. Went to my high school's concert, it was...alright, for lack of better words. Seeing people there from my past who showed up was pretty cool. Some i talk to, others i don't talk to at all anymore. The rain made it a depressing day for the most part. At least I got to see some people I haven't seen for a while. It makes me happy at least.
I realize more then ever though, that I'm getting older, and it's really starting to creep up on me. I really can't stand to live in this household anymore. These rules are starting to get to me, and i'm lucky I even have internet access and computer usage (thank god for my brother). I want this job already, I want them to call me back so I can start working and start making some money. Need the income, finish off my debt that i've incurred filling up the gas tank. Then start saving up for at least for my books come the fall. At the pay rate I should be able to come out with at least 2.4k ish by the time I have to go back to Band Camp. It's a nice cushion to have for the fall, plus i have to call in loans just in case my Federal Perkins doesn't come through, which I'll check tomorrow.
But anyways, missing people, missing person. Hah, I don't want to turn out to be like some people I know, yet here I am in that direction. I'm still trying to get over it. Dunno why it's so hard. I've done it in the past before but this is so different. It's been at least almost two months and I'm still hung up on it. Maybe its that sense of lonliness that's compounding out who knows. Funny...I've helped so many people with their lives and given advice, yet when it comes to mine. I haven't the slightest clue. |
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| Just plain pissed |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|04:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The depths of hell! | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | BIG FUCKING TIME! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | None have expressed my feelings | ] |
Yea...I'm mad....I'M MAD AS FUCK!!! I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF ANYTHING ANY FUCKING MORE! EVERYTHING KEEPS FALLING THE FUCK AROUND ME!
There's no way for me to comprehend. I live my life in trying to comprehend, and all i see is a fucking wall in which i'm banging into left and fucking right! What the hell...why is this shit happening to me of all times! I want to NOT FUCKING CARE BUT I CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT! WHY!?! Jeezus fuck man. Can't drown myself in the quiet. Can't read to make it go away. Can't sleep well cause it's stuck on my fucking mind! Exercise seems to work a little, but once my body is tired, my mind starts to get moving and it comes again. Tomorrow i'm fucking gonna exercise till i can't take no fucking more. Till i fucking collapse. Whatever, I just want these thoughts out of my fucking mind. OF ALL THE THINGS to fucking happen to me, of all the shit that had to occur. OF ALL THE FUCKING WAYS THEY COULD HAVE FUCKING OCCURED, i get the fucking shaft. I just want to let out my fucking anger. I HATE BEING FUCKING ANGRY, I HATE THIS FUCKING FEELING, I JUST WANT TO HIT SOMETHING...or someone.
I've haven't felt this way in a long time. My heart has never felt this shattered, this broken, so broken that all but what's left of me is scattered to the winds. There's very little joy in my heart. Very little release, very little happiness. I try to hold on to those whom I know are there for me, but even now I feel it may not be enough.
What's going to happen to me... |
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| Harsh weekend |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|07:49 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Linkin Park -Crawlin- ...still...i can't help listen to it. | ] |
Did two parades this weekend and crammed the opener and the closer down my throat. It's almost game time for us. We need to get this show on the road. This saturday I marched in ugh...Princeton University. Last minute gig to play for them and play their Princeton Cannon Song. Me and Scottso played the Rutgers fight song under our breath, so it made the day more tolerable lol. It was on and off rainy, then after we got back, we ended the day with learning the closer (or as much of it as we could get...in theory I know it all, but right now its just a sea of images in my head still). On Sunday, we pretty much worked on the entire opener of the show and did it from page 1 to the end of the opener. Doesn't seem so bad, its pretty fun and I like how its written on the field. The only problem i foresee currently is that ihaven't linked the music with the drill quite yet. So counting will be hell since we start off in a 3/4 meter and my first move is 9 steps, then 12 steps then 3 hold, then move on 12 and stop on 24. All multiples of 3, but its a nasty mind shift to count in 3s rather then 4s.
Okay weekend to say the least. The weather made it dreary. Kind of made me sad. I found the words to that song i was listening to last time I updated my Journal. Its defined me where I'm at currently in my life...sort of. It's like an inner struggle and I'm not even sure how it'll end. I was at a crossroads of my life not too long ago, and ended up in a 5 car pile up the way my life turned out at that point. I feel so fucked up in the head yet i'm trying to hold on. This song definely defined it best for me cause I couldn't think of words to describe it.
CRAWLIN by Linkin Park
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/confusing what is real |
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| Sleeplessness |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|10:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Crawling - Linkin Park - | ] |
Last night my friends found me and we hung out. The ol' West New York crew of close friends I had. Danitza, Anne-Marie (both went to Rutgers with me) and Irene, quirky friend extraordinaire whom I probably relate to the best lol. We went to Olive Garden and I had a Martini and 3 shots of Amarello. Had the chicken Alfredo and split the appetizers with my friends. We had a good time, talking about our experiences, and lives. I feel happy for Irene and Danitza, they've found someone that they're more then likely (understatement) are gonna get married to. I'm happy for them, and i've never seen them so happy. When we hung out, it's like we never left high school, it was so cool to be with them.
After I got back, i tried to get some sleep after a failed group AIM chat online. And...well it was wierd. I couldn't really sleep all that well. I started to feel like I slepted forever, but in reality I slepted for like an hour or so maybe. I kepted twisting and turning. And then the nightmares started.
I dunno the real meaning behind these things, and was pretty scary. In every sequence I was saving someone and every single time something would happen to me. In one nightmare I saved them from being attacked by a bear, and I was mauled in the process. Though I didn't die, it felt severely painful. It was terrible feeling, but I was glad that person was safe.
Then in another one, I had saved someone from a gang trying to hurt them, and in the process, I get stabbed. Not sure if I died, but after people came to help me I dropped to the ground, pulled the knife out, then I woke up all sweaty and panicky. I felt hysterical. Had to get a drink of water, and then I realized it was only 3AM. Barely was in bed for 4 hours and I've had two nightmares.
As I nod off again, another situation came up where someone I cared about needed blood and I was the only one able to donate. I shouldn't really be giving blood because of my heart condition, but I didn't care. This person needed it badly. So I gave it willingly, so that they would live. It was a heart wrenching moment, like if I was the cameraman behind the lives of many people just watching and waiting to see if it would work. And finally it did. And I was there to see them, but when I got to see them I passed out, unable to get up under my own power. And when I got up, I was back in my room, staring at the cold lonely ceiling of my room. Unable to comprehend what had just transpired throughout the night. At that point I could not go back to sleep. Stayed up till the sun rose. Did my cardio, visited a friend's mom who had medical problems of late. Then back at my room, still trying to figure what the hell is happening to me. I think my brain is trying to tell me somethingn but I dunno what. |
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| First Drum Corp Weekend Back |
[May. 29th, 2006|07:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home ugh | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Reel Big Fish - Fuck Yourself (Interesting take on things) | ] |
HOLY FUCK JEESUS CHRIST ITS HOT OUT THERE! BUT MAN IS IT FUCKING FUN AS...well....FUCK!
Anyways, I went back to Bushwackers (yes insert sexual reference smile, smirk, laughter, etc...i've heard it all....quite honestly, i laugh everytime i say it :-p ). It was an interesting weekend to say the least. Lots of new faces, and alot of familiar old faces, including some icons that i haven't seen in a while. They really just tossed me into the mix. Basics, jogging laps, learning drill in a hurry. They pretty much dragged me through the first song and i learned it in one day. And crammed music into my head. Its AWESOME fucking music, but man that's alot of notes to remember lol.
Our three songs are "Fanfare for the New," "The Perfect Year," (which is our Drum Corp song that we sing, and was arranged to be played as our Ballad tune, and last but not least, "Rocky Point Holidy," which just SCREAMS technical difficulty lol and so many 3/4, 2/4, 4/4 switches to make it all the more fun lol. I have no freaken clue exactly how the music matches the drill to the timing, but it'll be fun to find out.
Also on sunday, we did a Memorial Day Parade in Saddle Brook. Holy cow, that was interesting to find, the directions sucked so much and i ended up on the opposite side of where i was supposed to be. I just pretty much winged it looking for signs for roads that was on the direction and found my way there lol.
Long parade, was fun though, we repped a certain part of our opener as our parade tune, and now i have it engraved in my memory, so i'm on my way to playing catch up. And this time i'm not in the middle of July trying to learn the entire show in a course of 5 weekend days. lol. So at least I know i'll know the music AND the drill completely by finals.
now i'm dark as hell, i have bad tan lines from the shirt i wore and gloves, my forehead got slightly toasty, and my lower back is killing me...but all in all, i survived the weekend. Trying to set a good example for the new horn players to not slack off. Its good for them to see someone bust their ass to catch up and strive to make this program great, cause they'll follow suit. If you don't care about something then they won't, and i really do care about this program.
Signing off for now...gotta find that damn aloe vera! |
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